When free time invades, what can one do but reminise?



My memory took me on a journey to a decade back. Ah, a simpler time.



Life then:

School usually ends around 2. You stay back abt 15 minutes after to chill with friends. Then everyone parts. You wait for the sight of the car to roll into view as you check out the upper secondary people and look at them with respect and anticipation at being one, the following year. If you're lucky, then the parents cancel on you therefore permitting another extra 20 minutes of chat with a chum as you make your way home. Once home, a nice long shower releases the day's tension of class tests, silly squabbles, heartbroken crushes.



You have a nice snack and unpack your bag. You finish up your homework and realise it's already dinner time. Or rather family time. Everybody shuffles to the dining room and have dinner and talk about their day. You say something about a boy in your school and everybody laughs coz you are the youngest and hence experiencing having a crush for the first time. Dinner is done and you saunter into the living room to watch something on tv for a while. Then you shuffle upstairs, pack your bag and see if you can steal your sister's awesome new jacket for the next day's computer lab lesson. You go through your upcoming 'events' in your head. There really aren't a lot. Your only worry is who to work with for your History project.



You wonder if you should call a friend or finish your library book about some silly kid in high school whom everyone teases because he's tall. You decide a 15-minute chat with your best friend sounds more inviting. You both talk and you tell her about the thing someone in class said during 5th period English. You both laugh and realise you were both egging to comment at that time. You both wish each other sweet dreams and you hang up and trot to your room. Before you know it, you're on your bed and off to snoozeville. And soon, waking up again to begin another school day filled with learning, fun and friends.



Ah, the simple simple time of life. From there it was downhill all the way. Now life is just filled with worries....about the near future, if you've chosen the right path in life, if you'll ever see a certain person, will you be the only one left standing as people around you move on to higher, better positions, will you get a job that'll be something you enjoy and pays the bills, if you'll die an alcoholic or be fancy and die in a car crash by 37, if loneliness will be your best friend till death makes a claim on you.........The instability of it all is enough to suffocate and choke.

I've decided to start my 2nd half of the year a little early with a revamped look of the blog. Credit goes to Yvonne, one of my closest friends. The wonderful girl did the whole page for me. Thanks Vonnie! You're awesome!

I haven't much to say these days. My supply of 'happy' pills is, well, drying up. I'm not sure if I should get a second batch or just substitute for something else. My exams are in a week's time from Monday. I'm not sure if I can attempt any questions. I'm not sure of a lot of things. I'm not even sure of who I am. I am not sure about what I am going to do from June onwards. I'm not sure what is going on. I'm not sure what is going to happen. But it's starting to look a little like May, 2006. The terrible period when I wanted to dye my hair purple and run all over the country semi-nude, half drunk and overly exhilarated. Then I hit rock bottom, stayed under the covers and listened to Janis Joplin. I dun remember how I snapped out of that but I did. Or at least I think I did.

On a different note. It's terrible to find out something new, something that perhaps you would have been better off not knowing. You lose sleep over it, you lose perspective and you lose momentum of life. Perhaps ignorance is bliss. What is of no importance, should not be prodded. Simple basic rule of life. Why then is it so hard to follow?

Victorians, Drama, Renaissance & Restoration, The Novel. Inter-twining stages, different identities. I'm mangled-tangled in the web weaved by the 4.

I finally got a guitar. Woo Hoo! Good bye piano lessons, hello guitar lessons. Birthday present from an aunt (who either loves me very much or couldn't stand my whining about not having one). However, strict rules by the mother. No touching it till exams are over. In other words, I am being withheld from music because literature is my supposedly top current priority. And to think I've taken pride in allowing myself to believe that I have a place in both worlds.

It's 10 pm and my 'day's doings' lists Dickens, Victorian Analysis, Stoker & Stevenson. I haven't touched a single thing. Did I say it's 10? I meant 3 minutes after 10. As I subconsciously empty my glass of ice water, I realise that it's pointless pretending to be or do anything. Tomoorrow is a new day hence a new list.

With each passing day, the feeling intensifies. Feelings of envy, longing, dread.....How nice human life would be if it was void of feelings. Yes, we'd be merely existing but we'd be existing without sensless worry.